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The Retirement Home/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: And now here's the head honcho and the stomach honcho, the c.E.O. Of the I.P.B., if you like a man of letters, not that he reads them, my uncle, the star of the show, red green! Thank you very much. Thanks for tuning us in. Hello, harold. Is there anything you'd like to say before we get started? Maybe an apology? No, thank you. I'll let my electronic editorial effects machine do all the talking. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! Amazing that he did that while I'm holding a hammer, isn't it? Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Old man sedgwick has announced that he wants to get back to nature, and we're all in favor, and the sooner the better. Old man sedgwick is leaving the lodge! Ho! Ho! That ought to bring the average age down by about 90 years. Yeah, and it'll have the exact opposite effect on the average I.Q. But he'll still be around, harold. He's bought a cottage up on rock reef point. Wa-a-a! Uncle red, there are no cottages up on rock reef point. There's just, like, well, rocks and that reef and that little point. Just like your head, harold. No, he's having the cottage built. By who? Anybody with a tool. Yeah, he bought one of them "pre-flab" kit cottages. The cottage company come up there, and they dumped off a whole load of lumber and insulation and shingles and a little bag of silica gel with a note saying, "some assembly required." that's great! Oh, this is great, you know? 'cause we could have like a barn-raising thing, you know, the way the quakers used to do? [ giggles ] only without porridge. Yeah. Yeah, actually, we figured we'd get all the guys up there. We'd get the cottage up in maybe less than a day. And we invited the wives to come up and bake pies, you know? But, of course, they're all away in las vegas at a networking seminar. I hope you read the instructions this time. Junior singleton still has the scars from the hot-tub kit. Aw, harold, the instructions are a book. At old man sedgwick's age, he doesn't have that kind of time. We'd end up just building one closet and then burying him in it. I don't know, uncle red. We end up with nothing but trouble when you guys do things by the seat of your pants... Or in the seat of your pants. Ah, you worry too much, harold. In a couple hours, there's gonna be a cottage up on rock reef point that'll knock your eye out. I'm sure it'll knock several people's eyes out. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ I remember one morning I arose from my bunk ♪ ♪ everybody thought I'd been sprayed by a skunk ♪ ♪ they got the tomato juice and scrubbed me to death ♪ ♪ but it turned out to be my breath ♪ [ hammering ] this week on "handyman corner," got something a little bit different for you. I got an anniversary coming up, and I want to get something special. So I thought we'd create some special gifts that you could give, say, to your wife or maybe your girlfriend or even that very special woman in your life or all three, you know? So, I'm thinking to myself, "well, for starters, maybe we could create our own special kind of lady shaver." come on in here a minute, harold, will ya? And I'm thinking to myself, "why don't we just use duct tape to, say, shave a leg?" 'cause it takes a long time to shave a leg, doesn't it, harold? Just kidding you. All right, so, you get a piece of duct tape, and then, all of a sudden, you got no cream to worry about, no sharp blades, and no messy clean up. You just stick her on there and just snap it right off. Like this. That didn't hurt, did it? No. Boy, looks like a throw rug. Ow! [ screaming and whimpering ] oh, well. How about making yourself a professional salon-style hair dryer? All you need is an old tv set. But you got to get the picture tube out of her there. And you need a screwdriver. Unscrew it at the back. [ glass shattering ] done. [ grunting ] all right. Save all the electronic components there because... [ rattling ] ...Next week we're gonna build a laptop computer. And you're also gonna need an old toaster, but all you need is the stuff out of the inside. Keep the case 'cause when we build the computer, this'll be our dual floppy drive. All right, once we get the heater and the timer out of the toaster, get them mounted inside the tv set, we put that whole deal onto this fancy-looking desk lamp. And what we have there is a very professional-looking hair dryer, that thing you see in those real super-duper salons that smell kind of funny. So I'm just gonna go ahead and keep working on this. You guys get back to the show. And when we come back in here, maybe we'll try this whole rig out on harold. I think it'll be "vidal bassoon, look out." [ rattling ] and now it's that part of the show where we get to expose those three little words that men find so hard to say -- "I don't know." wa-a-a! And today claiming to be experts are my uncle red and, of course, mr. Dougie franklin. "dear experts, "I'm hoping you can answer a question "which has been tearing my family apart "and destroying my marriage. "the question is this -- what was the best car ever built?" oh, boy. That is a tough one. You know, that really is, I think, one of the core questions of our time. That strikes deep into the human psyche. Boy, I don't know. Whoo, that's tough. "which was the best car"? Oh, yeah, harold. A person's choice of car is a window to their soul. Now, I have the possum van. I got my monster truck. Yep. And you got your rollerblades. Ah. Oh, yeah. You know, I think it was jean-paul sartre who really kind of best exemplified the existentialist view. You know, now, of course, he had one of them renault kit cars, you know? The ones that you build yourself, you know, kind of an attempt to know the unknowable, you know? And it come with these instructions that had kind of a tautological-logic loop, so, you know, he never did finish the rear suspension on that baby. But, you know, he did come to the conclusion that essence precedes existence, therefore, you know, I mean, "best" is really what you'd have to say is a subjective measurement based on the observer's frame of reference. Right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Wa-a-a! Well, so? So the best vehicle for red here would be the possum van. For me, it would be the monster truck. And for you, it would be them water wings. Rollerblades. Rollerblades. Wa-a-a! But a-a-all you said kind of makes you wonder something like, "what would plato drive?" a buick lesabre. "it is autumn. "we walk hand in hand, my wife and I. "our love is like music. "now and then, a string breaks. "and what were once sharps are now flats. "our love is like a fretless bass. "we've been playing it so long, we know exactly where to put our fingers." all right, it's time to make beautiful hair. Now, I've used some of the old 9-volt batteries here as -- they make dandy hair curlers. And I put them on with duct tape, but you could use, say, hairpins or a glue gun or screws, you know? Is your hair wet there, harold? No, it is not. No, I didn't think so. Now, just imagine that was a $50 cut, cream rinse, and set. Uncle red, my head's tingling. Were those batteries dead? Don't worry about it, harold. I'm gonna set the heat on the toaster now. [ toaster clicks ] and pump her down. [ toaster humming ] there we go. Now, easy now, harold. Easy, easy, easy. Set her right in there. Beauty. Beauty. Now all we have to do, harold, is wait. You want your legs shaved while we're waiting? No! Thank you. [ air whistles ] okay, you're done. All right, okay, harold. Good. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, there, harold. Wa-a-a! How do I look? I look okay, right? Well, let me just put a little mousse on that. What did you do that for?! Well, I was frosting your tips there, harold. That's all. Well, there you have it. So, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Is that water still dripping? Oh, no, that's battery acid, harold. Oh, yeah, yeah. Red: I went to ask joshua for help, but he was all tied up on some land deal. Well, I guess that means you're gonna be too busy to help old man sedgwick. He's building a cottage up on rock reef point, you know? Rock reef point is not zoned for cottage, red. It's a bird sanctuary. What? Are you sure? Yeah. I tried to buy it once for a landfill site. The lawyers were all over me. If he tries to build anything up there, the eco-freaks will just make him tear it down. Oh, golly, I better go tell him. Mm-hmm. How do I get out of here? [ sighs ] [ groans ] oh, I'll help you. Man, I need a secretary real bad. Well, before I could stop him, old man sedgwick and the guys had the whole cottage built, even had a roof on her. It wasn't on the top, but it was on there somewhere. [ laughs ] what a mess, too! Boy, there was a chimney that all zigzagged out the door a way. And there was wires on the bottom of the tub, which was out on the front porch, which was in the basement. [ giggles ] how's a guy supposed to close the window with all the plumbing coming out of it like that? Well, they're just not all that good at reading a blueprint. Well, maybe if they looked at it. It might be a good first step. I think the real problem came, though, was when they divided the guys into two teams and made a race out of it. [ giggles ] boy, that's when they really started cutting corners there. You know, I think that's why so many of the rooms are triangular. Don't forget, these are volunteers, harold. But in the long run, volunteers are the most expensive workers you'll ever have. So, anyway, after they installed the shower... In the kitchen... In the attic, they wanted to fire up the gas water heater. And when they turned everything on, water was coming out the gas line but nothing was coming out the water line. So junior singleton went down into the basement to see who had hooked up the gas, and as soon as they hit the switch remembered the answer was "nobody" as the whole place exploded. Is that what that was? Ha! I thought they were blasting in the quarry again. Of course, you know, I did wonder when I looked up and I saw that cottage in the sky. Yeah, you don't see that too often. Well, it's only the second time this year. But there's a good side because now old man sedgwick doesn't have to tear the cottage apart just to comply with the zoning bylaw. Although they may charge him with littering. Poor old guy. I guess he's really upset, huh? Well, he's not a quitter, harold. If he was, he would have died long ago... During the war of 1812. But as he was sitting there in that big pile of splintered wood with little tufts of pink insulation around him... Blowing pieces of shingle out of his nose, a big blue heron flew over and dropped a wake-up call on his bald spot. And he got an idea. He's thinking, okay, if rock reef point has been made into a bird sanctuary, what he'll build as a home is a great big nest. ♪ we like burgers and beef ribs and rump roast and steak ♪ ♪ we like sirloin and t-bone that makes us go snake ♪ ♪ we also like leather, shoes, and fur belts ♪ ♪ you always hurt the one you love ♪ ♪ we're obviously quite fond of cows ♪ ♪ or wouldn't be slaughtering them so bad ♪ [ film projector clicking ] red: I noticed my thumbnail was real long, so I thought I'd get some of the bird droppings off the top of the van. And then bill came over. Never mind, bill. I'm fine. Yeah, I'll be right there. Sorry to keep you waiting. It's time for "adventures with bill." now, what bill wanted to show us about this week, which I didn't realize, was how to survive in your car. And, believe me, surviving in bill's car is a challenge. Whoa! Whoa! We went way behind the lodge out into the bush there. And I don't think bill was dr-- ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! All right, so, now what we're saying is, "you're stuck." well, we're not saying it. We are it. Anyway, bill's saying, "you can survive stuck in a car." you can -- all right, you could rub your stomach. No, no, I see. You can feed yourself -- you can get a drink. Ohh! Ohh! You can get a drink out of the rad, apparently. So, you just reach over and undo the thing there. It might be hot, bill. Blah! Aah! [ coughing ] no, seems fine. And you put the straw in there. He says that works. I don't know, though. I think you got a bit of the short straw on that one, bill. Yeah, yeah. But you want to be spotted from the air. That's the big thing. Nobody's gonna come driving by out in the field. So you put, like, a sign. This is on your radio aerial here. It says, uh... Yeah, "help." it's right in front of my face. I can't -- oh. All right, well, maybe if you can't put it on the radio aerial, then put it on your door handle, somewhere where, again, so it can be spotted right from the air. Oh! Oh. You want to be doing this with a better car, I think. Now bill's gonna cook us up -- he's got some corn there. He just wraps it up in the tin foil. Got some fish. Some cans, assorted cans of stuff. And, uh...More fish. And some, uh...What are those? Oh, those are wieners, okay. He's putting everything in there. That's a running shoe there, bill. Hmm. And he gets that all in there, and, uh, stuffs it all around the engine, the parts that get hot when you turn the engine on. And the idea is he's gonna, of course, gonna start her up and -- what's that? Oh. Bangers and mash. He's gonna put that in there. And now when he starts her up, the manifolds and what have you, he -- oh. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know? All right, so... Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Good thing he's got the rubber panel on those coveralls. Now, he gets in there, and he starts her up. [ engine turns over ] and she's running real good. Well, two of the cylinders are, anyway. And the engine's getting real good and hot. And I open her up, whoa! It's movie time! And, by golly, we have been spotted from the air. [ airplane buzzing ] and all this time, I thought bill had no idea what he was doing. You're a genius, bill. You are a genius. This next part of the show is for the young people who apparently can stomach this kind of thing. Here's harold. Wa-a-a! Good evening! And welcome to the first episode of a 52-part series entitled... "quest for the presidency"! [ imitating trumpet playing fanfare ] wa-a-a! Okay, yes, I know it says, "guest for the presidency," but, you know, I couldn't find a "q," so I had to use a "g." okay? Don't. Okay. Well, I mean, "guest for the presidency" would be pretty stupid, right? So, okay. Okay, well, then. Join me! Over the next 52 weeks, as I will be throwing my hat into the ring -- well, if I had a hat, I would throw it into the ring, and at that time, I'll be running for the presidency of my very own high school. Wa-a-a! And perhaps you more advanced students will be able to learn from my mistakes. As I run through the primaries, which will include junior kindergarten, right up to the stump on the election day, where I will convince the electorate that I am truly the only candidate with enough blanks on my social calendar to handle such a high, high office. Wa-a-a! So, let me say this about -- harold? You'll never make it with your marks, okay? Presidents have to have a high education. Wa-a-a! What about abe lincoln? He wasn't much of an educated guy. He was assassinated, harold. Good point. Well, maybe I could be guest for the president. I guess it must be pretty confusing to be a teenage boy in this day and age, with all the tv ads saying, "sex, sex, sex," and your friends saying, "sex, sex, sex," and the music videos saying, "sex, sex, sex," and your parents saying, "how was school today?" a lot different in my day. You know, in my day, the girls wore skirts and dresses, and if your girlfriend said the "f" word, it was "fiancé." we put girls up on a pedestal, and it wasn't just to look up their dresses. But I guess we were wrong, 'cause in the last 20 years, the women have gone for the equality thing, and they've almost worked their way down to our level. Almost. Although I have yet to see a woman actually scratch herself at the table. I don't get it, though. Because being equal to, say, a member of possum lodge is pretty much an insult. But I don't understand it. Then, again, if I understood women, I wouldn't be where I am today. Thought I'd drop in on ranger gord and ask him about this nest business and make sure that he didn't panic when he saw old man sedgwick's cottage blow up this morning. What did you think when old man sedgwick's place exploded up at rock reef point this morning? Exploded? Oh, yeah, yeah. Didn't you see the flame and the smoke? It burned for over an hour. Can't catch 'em all. No, no, I guess not. Anyway, on this nest thing, you know that bird, the blue heron there -- now, what do they do to their nest to get it ready for the winter? Well, most birds will only be in the nest in the springtime for mating. Can I say "mating" on tv? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, if the nest is only for mating, I don't think old man sedgwick needs one of them. No, no, no. I don't see him having a woman in his little nest. I can't see him dating a real, live woman. No, he's out there alone. Alone. Staring at the clouds. Till every cloud reminds him of a woman named gretchen. Oh, gretchen! All right, gord, all right, all right. [ crying ] gretchen. All right. Who could have shared his nest and laid his eggs and hatched his chicks. All right, never mind, go... All right, gordon. Don't worry about -- okay, gord, thanks very much. That was very helpful. And, listen, we'll see you again soon. How soon?! Soon. When exactly?! Soon, that's all. Sooner than never. How's that? Okay. I can live with that. All right, good. I'll see myself down. Yeah. Don't follow me, gord. I'll watch you go. Well, old man sedgwick has run into a few problems building his big nest. He's been studying the heron and trying to imitate them exactly, but he's found that his false teeth make it real hard to pick up some of the bigger 2x4s. Did he not think to use his hands? Does this not occur to him? Well, he's a bit of a purist, you know, harold. He wants his nest to be authentic -- you know, for resale value. And if the heron is building his with a beak and about the same size brain, he should be able to do it, too. So, he took the false teeth out to get himself a better grip with his gums, and the heron swooped down, picked the teeth up, and flew off. And, golly, there is nothing so unnerving as seeing a large water bird flying over the lodge with a big, toothy grin. You know, uncle red, I heard that old man sedgwick came to his senses and he's completely abandoned this nest idea. Well, you're half right. He abandoned the idea. But he's gonna build himself a whole new different type of home. Gonna be all-season, all year 'round. And still keeping the back-to-nature theme... He's gonna build a great big beehive. Ha. Well, why doesn't that surprise me? [ laughs ] and if that doesn't work out, he's gonna get 90 miles of yarn and spin a cocoon. Or he may end up digging an anthill. [ chuckles ] man, oh, man. Let's just hope he's never heard of the dung beetle. [ screeching ] there's the call to meeting, uncle red. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. Well, on a personal note, if my wife is watching, you know, I take a look at old man sedgwick and I have to think how lucky I am to be married and to have a real nice home and not to be anything like him, and I really feel that I have you to thank for that. And I want to just show my appreciation, so right after the meeting, I'm gonna come straight home, and I'm gonna build, just for you, a combination garden shed and bird feeder out of waffles. Don't mention it. Okay, so, the rest of you, thanks very much for watching. On behalf of harold and myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] all rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Welcome to the meeting. I'd like to tell you that don and gord and claude and barry have finished completely rewiring the basement of the lodge. Let's hear it.